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Mar. 5th, 2013

(no subject)

The last time I wrote in here was 2010?!

Oh geese since I have to leave for work in twenty minutes I'll do a short form update in bullet points really quick

December 2010: met a boy, skinny little emo kid named branden, started dating. Decided I didn't really like him after all on new years eve, he tried to kiss me and I refused and that led to him stalking me for three months and not stopping until the police paid a nice visit to his house.

February 2011: Hospitalized for anorexia

March/April 2011: started seeing this guy named kyle who was batshit crazy, he was letting a random homeless dude who stole from him sleep on his couch and kyle would tell me stories about how his dad abused him, while laughing with this crazy look on his face. felt super uneasy whenever i was alone with him, decided it was a good idea not to see him anymore (he was my ex coworker and my coworkers and boss all warned me not to see him, but i didn't listen and should've!) he disappeared shortly after and no one has ever heard from him again. i still wonder if he's okay from time to time.

Summer 2011: started seeing this guy named justin. he was obsessed with sex and really creepy and thank god i never slept with him

September 2011: starting seeing a guy named reid. really liked him but he put his band and skateboarding and his job and his family before me, never made time to see me and would turn down anytime i said i'd drive out to see him. he was a virgin and wanted to lose it to me but i eventually got fed up with being fucked around and stopped talking to him.

Fall 2011: started hanging out with branden again, secretly. thought he had changed. began a friends with benefits relationship while i developed a crush on his best friend/housemate. started sneaking around, not coming home, doing lots of drugs and not really eating again. this lasted until new years day when i kissed him goodbye in a starbucks parking lot, deleted his number from my phone, and never talked to him again.

New years day 2012: Met roger. Spent a whirlwind two weeks completely head over heels for him. making out in my driveway until four in the morning, driving around in the middle of the night to the beach and vancouver and deserted roads...one day he suddenly stopped talking to me, would barely answer my texts claiming he was busy but i knew he was avoiding me, took a hard hit on my heart and ego and i was really really depressed

late january 2012: went out with a guy i had met through my ex, named corey. went to his house alone late one night where he forced me to have sex with him even after i said no (but i should've been more persistent, i kind of just gave in) woke up the next morning in his bed and decided i didn't wanna be the kind of person who had one night stands so i agreed when he asked me to be his girlfriend. starting spending every night there, while he forced me to have sex when i didn't want to, would scream at me and make me cry, and would hold me down so forcefully on the bed or against the wall that i would have bruises which my mom noticed and told me i needed to get out. i was insecure and felt like i needed him so i held on way too long when i shouldn't have.

Valentine's day 2012: my online friend tracy came out to visit me. she is my absolutel bust friend in the
world and this meant the world to me. She knew i was in a bad place and needed help, so one day she just booked the ticket and flew out.

Early March 2012: broke up with corey finally. never felt so happy and free in my life. Joined plenty of fish, a dating site, as an option but didn't use it too seriously.

Late March 2012: Met Jesse. Went on an amazing first date where we were both so awkward but in a cute way. Played mini golf and when I dropped him off at his car (I made him let me drive) he told me he liked me a lot and wanted to see me again. We decided to go to the movies on tuesday and I went home and jumped on the trampoline for half an hour smiling my face off. I was so into this guy and I so thought he was too good for me, but for some reason he liked me.

March 31, 2012: Jesse asked me to be his girlfriend, after telling me he had alopecia and finally taking his hat off. I said yes and was crazy for him.

April-September 2012: Spent every weekend and holiday at Jesse's, falling more and more in love. Made a whole bunch of friends, went on a twelve day camping trip with him and his cousin and friends.

September 15th, 2012: We moved in together and I have never been happier than I am now.

At this point we've moved again into a little bit of a bigger place. We both know we're going to marry eachother and at this point we have never been angry with eachother, fought or said anything bad to the other. He makes me feel so loved and cared for and I don't know how I got so lucky, but all I can say is, reading back in this journal, thank god I held on and made it through all the shit that was thrown at me. I'm a stronger person because of it, and now a very strong optimist and happy girl. My life is amazing because I've made it that way, and I'm so proud of how far I've come.

Nov. 2nd, 2010

long time no post. (netflix has consumed my life)

title or description

title or description

Aug. 27th, 2010

August 24th, 2010.

Thank you so much, guys. I detest it too. It pisses me off, because it's belittling my feelings basically, but I'm trying to just take a deep breath and move on. I know what happened, and the people that matter know the truth and believe me, and that's all that matters (right?).

I'm back to laying in bed and listening to the Fray. Carl starts college tomorrow, and I'm incredibly jealous, and sort of... sad.

I'm jealous because I know he'll meet tons of awesome people, and he's so incredible... who wouldn't like him? I'm sure he'll make loads of friends, and probably find an incredible girl to devote his time and affection to.

I want him to be happy more than anything, so you know, maybe that's not so bad. It's still going to hurt, though, I know it will. It'll be painful.

I need to get over him... I know that. But I'm having such a hard time doing so, you know? When you talk to someone basically 24/7 for almost two years, just suddenly having them not there anymore.., it's a gigantic shock... or I'm sure it will be.

After my last diary entry, I went and cleaned the bathroom. So exciting, I know. I used a ton of bleach and scrubbed it until it was absolutely sparkling, and I did all that while blasting Every Avenue's "Tell Me I'm a Wreck" on repeat. It's my favourite song right now, and I can't get enough of it. I just needed a distraction, something to do, and that was a good distraction. I think I'll clean my room tomorrow. Maybe.

My Mom has a hernia, and although I know after she has surgery and such she'll be alright, but I always get so incredibly anxious whenever she's ill or not feeling 100%. She's my everything, and I want her to be happy and healthy constantly. Anyway, tomorrow morning I'm going to wake up early and go with her to her doctor's appointment, then go hang out at work with her until 4pm when I have a hair appointment.

Whenever I feel changes coming, I change my hair. Cut it, dye it... something. So tomorrow I'm getting it cut (I still have no idea how, I'm thinking of possibly chopping it all off), and then sometime in the near future I'm going to put another unnatural colour in it, because I can. I'm thinking probably purple again, but I'm not entirely sure.

ED related triggering under the cut.
Spoiler: Hide

My mind is still absolutely revolving around weight loss. It's so incredibly annoying. I don't necessarily think I have an eating disorder, but when I feel out of control, my mind always begins obsessing over my food intake. I think about it constantly... how many calories are passing through my lips, and how I'm not getting enough exercise to burn it off. I freak out when I eat foods I don't consider "safe"- in other words, if I go to work and eat anything other than poached eggs and toast, or if I eat anything other than a banana or half a cup of yogurt for breakfast at home. I freak out if I eat more than two meals a day, and if I eat more than 200 calories snacking in a day. I freak out if I go over my mental calorie limit, and I freak out if I gain even an ounce.

My mind never stops obsessing over food. I think about it constantly, which makes me crave it. And if I cave in and eat some food, I feel horribly guilty and disgusting all day long. I hate living like this. I feel like I have every freaking problem in the book. No one should have to deal with all this. I feel like I'm a huge mess, and I'm only going to get worse. It's terrifying.

I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be a good day, mostly just because I'll be able to get out of my house, and I won't have so much time to just sit and obsess over stupid little things.

triggering, SI updates.
Spoiler: Hide
I haven't cut in so long. I don't really have the urge to anymore, now that I have finally gotten rid of all the scars (bio oil seriously works if you keep it up), but I have been hurting myself in other ways. My arms are so bruised up right now, because I've begun punching myself when I'm upset or anxious. I'm a clumsy person by nature, so bruises are so easy to lie about. I think not allowing myself food is another way of subconsciously hurting myself.

I really wonder why I feel the need to do these things to myself? I know with therapy I can actually find out... I just need to be okay with telling the therapist I'm not alright, and by not lying about my eating patterns (I always feel so stupid telling therapists I don't really eat, because I feel like they're judging me, or like I look like I'm lying because I'm fat- fat kids don't have eating problems). But whatever, I need to just come out and tell them how I feel and how I hurt myself. I will never heal if I don't.

My Mom told me, today, that it's so frustrating for her to not understand why I feel the way I do.

I wanted to say.. how do you think I feel? I don't even know why I feel the way I do, why I break down randomly every day, why a simple song on the radio can turn into so much more and just tear me apart inside. I don't know why some days getting up is the hardest thing ever, why some days breathing is so difficult. I don't know why I can't go to university or even think about it without the room starting to spin, my eyes welling up and my breathing become difficult. I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. I wish I did. I wish I could be normal. But I'm not. I'm just not, and I need to accept it.

With therapy, will come healing.

My Mom told me, a few weeks ago, when we were discussing my anxiety, that I will be sick my entire life. She said, although therapy will help, you will always have this anxiety, you will just know how to handle it better.

I can handle having the anxiety the rest of my life, if I learn how to control it. However, the self-loathing, I don't think I can handle much longer, so I really hope I lose that.

Anyway, I know these entries are so depressing, but this is just basically my thoughts from the last few weeks all jumbled into writing. It's mostly for my own sanity, I can't keep this all in my head!

Bed time. I have nightmares every night, I don't think I've ever told anyone that.

(no subject)

About to post some entries from my other online diary, I'm going to attempt to actually keep up with my livejournal now (even if that is just copying and pasting entries from the other diary)

Jul. 14th, 2010

(no subject)

i figured i'd type up an explanation for the lastpost, as that obviously was seemingly out of character, and inappropriate for this journal.

please don't read this if you don't like hearing life stories, poor me rants, or anything to do with ed'sCollapse )

anyway, that's all the misery for this journal i think. i hate displaying problems for the world to see.

(no subject)

triggeringCollapse )

Jul. 12th, 2010

(no subject)

 dear ashley,
you haven't written in forever,
got your lip pierced on thursday,
but what you really want to say here is;
envy on the coast broke up,
you're horribly sad,
it's okay to cry.

random happiness of the day: envy on the coast's music.

Jul. 6th, 2010

(no subject)

 dear ashley,
you haven't written in a few days,
in between the roadtrip ending,
feeling like he's ignoring you,
confusion with your best friend's no longer platonic feelings towards you,
you've just been so exhausted and so terribly sad.
pretending to be happy,
it's exhausting, lovely lady,
and you don't need it.
you talked to kelsey for two hours on the phone
this afternoon,
and felt a million and a half times better.
she has a habit of doing that,
try not to cry thinking about her being gone,
for eight long months,
you will survive. 
please cope in healthy ways,
you deserve it.
don't worry about your best friends' feelings,
it's not your fault you don't feel that way about him,
you cannot force feelings that do not exist.
don't settle for anyone-
especially him-
even if things with carl don't work out,
you will find someone worth it,
someone you love so incredibly much,
someone who makes you happy one hundred percent of the time,
not just when it's convenient for them.
you're only seventeen,
crazy girl,
you have so much life ahead,
you need to stop getting so freaking hung up on guys,
you will be okay.
so cheer the fuck up.

random happiness of the day: rain clouds.

Jul. 2nd, 2010

(no subject)

 dear ashley;
today was weird, and fairly boring.
woke up leisurely,
tight tight tight skinnies,
to write love on her arms shirt,
skull converse,
hurley hoodie.
scooby doo on zombie island was playing on tv
so, after brushing your teeth, getting dressed,
and plugging the straightener in,
you settled down to watch.
ah, nostalgia. how you adored that movie
when you were younger.
muffins from tim horton's,
courtesy of mom,
then off to the family reunion you went,
but first, a stop at the plaque,
announcing your descendant's founding
of palm bay.
off to gilby you go,
fuck that small town, seriously,
and so commenced five hours of sitting around, 
doing absolutely nothing,
all finished with a mediocre dinner of
baked potato and corn.
back to the hotel,
iced coffee with your brothers,
hotel again, computer time,
carl thought you were mad at him,
(you weren't).
text zak a bit,
worry worry worry,
but he's okay in the end.
good talks with your brother,
uncle, and papa,
then, back into the hotel room,
wait for your turn to use the shower,
and twitter kelsey and derek,
today was alright, after all.

random happiness of the day: my brother.

Jul. 1st, 2010

(no subject)

 dear ashley;
up today, back into the truck.
ripped, tight skinnies, striped shirt,
besides your ugly face, your body looked good,
so that was a plus.
drive for hours, stop finally at a cute little diner,
eat delicious eggs, toast, tomatoes and hashbrowns,
amazing, amazing, amazing.
back into the truck, drive for hours,
hit a bird,
a pretty little magpie,
bang, dead, just like that.
cry a little in the backseat-
poor little magpie didn't deserve to die, yet,
he did.
back home, out for dinner with family,
grilled cheese and fries,
fuck you, eating issues, you enjoyed it.
to walmart with papa and brothers,
to buy papa a swimsuit,
then back to hotel.
walk walk walk to tim hortons,
iced coffee,
back to hotel, to sit by the pool,
and converse with grandma and great grandma.
make slideshow for grandma,
hard hard hard,
but you figured it out,
(you're awesome!),
and the converse some more, 
talk to carl,
back to the room,
shower, braid your hair,
and now,
off to bed.
try not to care that this entry was ridiculously boring.

random happiness of the day: my best friend.

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